


You're a Monster

by greekowl87



Series: Tumblr Prompts [6]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, MSR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 10:57:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greekowl87/pseuds/greekowl87
Summary: Prompt was 'You're a monster.' IWTB era angst, MSR, and a touch of smut.





	You're a Monster

I did not remember when it happened. It had been so long. I thought we were getting better. I honestly allowed myself to believe that. We were better. After our trip to St. Martin, there was a little light come back into our lives.

I told him I was going to be late from the hospital that night. I left him a voicemail. I texted him twice, even though I knew he doesn’t use his phone like that. I debated emailing him as well, just to cover my basis, short using carrier pigeons or a messenger. Who am I kidding? He would probably shoot the messenger on sight in lieu of the old age adage of “Trust no one.”

Shit. I barely wondered if he trusted me anymore.

I’ve been down this road before. You remember me telling you about Diana Fowley?

I know it’s been years ago but the hurt is still there. I never want to feel like that again. It was beginning to feel like that again before the FBI came knocking on our door, asking for his help in exchange for his freedom.

His freedom.

It’s been a month and what has that gotten me? Nothing. I feel like he keeps himself locked back up in that corner office even more now. Hell, the beard is coming back. I’m sick of the fucking beard.

I thought things would be different. We could build an actual life together. Both of our names on the house and on the car. I know I haven’t talked about marriage, but maybe he would ask the question again and I would say yes. I will say yes. I’m tired of being life partners. I want to get married. File a joint tax return. Get a golden lab and he can build that white picket fence. Actually being normal and happy.

But no. I haven’t felt this alone in a long time.

… .

Scully paused before hanging up the phone. “I don’t know, mom. I can ask.” She took a deep breath. “Maybe your right. Dragging him out to a family dinner might help. I’ll ask him tonight. Yeah. I love you too. I’ll see you Sunday.”

She hung up her cell and stared at the closed gate marking off their little homestead from the rest of the world. She sat in the car as the engine idled, feel the heat from the defrost make her feel overheated in her coat and gloves, and the nervousness and unease cling to her like a sheen of sweat. Should she come home? What would happen if she just backed the car out of the driveway and drove away?

Banishing such thoughts, Scully unbuckled her seat belt and stepped out of the new Ford SUV as her heeled boots splashed in the mud and gravel. She pushed open the gate and drove through before securing it again. She hesitated before climbing back into the car.

It would be so easy just to drive away. He would never know but her heart ached with the pain and anguish she knew it could cause. But what about her? Hadn’t she sacrificed enough? Wasn’t being on the run with him for six years and giving up their son in favor of his safety enough? And what about the cancer and the abduction? Didn’t she suffer too?

She shook her head and climbed back into the car, banishing the selfish thoughts that still lingered in the back of her mind, festering and waiting for the right moment to explode. Driving up towards the house, she noticed how dark it was, save from the one light that came from his office. Gritting her teeth, she prepared herself mentally for the likely chance of an oncoming argument. But she would be the tactile one, casually bring up the possibility of Sunday dinner with her mother, try to make small talk and pretend everything was okay.

But it wasn’t, was it, Dana?

She clutched her briefcase and quietly walked up the creaking wood steps and unlocked the front door.

The first thing she noticed was the coldness of the house and the light from the under the office door. She casually turned on the lamp and dropped her briefcase mechanically on the couch. She hesitated before knocking on the door lightly and opening it without hesitating.

“You’re late.”

He did not turn around to greet her but kept his back to Scully, staying hunched over the computer. She could hear his fingers typing quickly. She was assaulted by the heat of the office and noticed the space heater plugged into the wall, churning out the hot air.

“I called you. I texted you twice,” she said, trying to keep her voice even. “Short of sending a courier pigeon, I did tell you.”

He didn’t face her and she cleared her throat. “Did you look for work like we discussed this morning?”

“No.”

“What did you do then?”

He held up a finger but still did not turn around. “I was in some chat rooms. Maybe we can head up to Detroit. There was some talk about some crazy lights in the motor city.”

“Mulder, we talked about this. Did you even leave the office today? Look at the newspaper classifieds?” she asked, doing her best to keep her voice even.

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” she mumbled sarcastically under her breath. Scully licked her lips and continued. “You said that yesterday, and the day before that. And the week before that. Oh and a month ago too. You keep saying you’ll do it but when I come home, you’re here, squirreled away in your little…” She waved her hand about the office. “Fox den. You have your freedom back now, you have your identity back. Why don’t you want to live?”

He snorted caustically. “Like never coming home, working and spending all my time at a hospital, and never talking to my partner?”

“Where did that come from?”

He spun around and Scully was taken aback by the Mulder she saw. She had not seen this version of him in years: the loner who kept her at arm’s length and did not trust her. “I don’t know. How come you never call anymore? You are always late.”

“I called you tonight! How is this about me?” she sputtered in disbelief. “Mulder, what is going on? I thought you’d be happy to have your freedom back?”

“And do what,” he spat acidly. “They ruined my work, my career, and my life. What am I supposed to do? What do I have left? Go work down at the local McDonald’s flipping burgers while you go on being a doctor, making a difference, and I’m just some sad charity case?”

“Mulder, you’re being irrational,” she spoke slowly, her anger barely in check. “Things are different.”

“How? I’m still some fuck up and play second fiddle to you. It’s just now I can do it as Fox Mulder in the public eye.”

“You’re a monster, you know that?” Her voice was tight and she swallowed the bile that came from her brewing fury. “A whiny, sarcastic, crying asshole of a monster who only cares about himself. It is always about you. It has always been about you. I thought things were getting better for us now you had your freedom, but no. All you can think about is yourself. I want to have a life with you, Mulder. I was going to ask if you wanted to have dinner with my mother this Sunday. Do normal things like normal people because you know what, Mulder? We’re normal now. We don’t have our badges and guns and chasing monsters in the dark. We have a house. We have a mortgage. We have a car loan. It’s not just my name on those things, remember? We celebrated when we could both of our names on there. Our names. Our life. We have a life together or have you forgotten that?”

Unknown tears came to her eyes as she wiped them uselessly, her voice never losing its harsh tone. “I thought you wanted that too. We talked about it at one time, right before you were abducted. We talked about it when we were on the run, where I gave up everything for you and never questioned you. Or did you forget all that as well? We talked about having a normal life and getting married.”

“You said you didn’t want to get married.” His voice was small but he icy gaze remained.

“If you’d asked me this morning, I would have said yes. Yes, I would have married you. Do you know why? Because I love you. But you seem to have changed your mind and where your priorities lay.” She gestured to his computer like she was trying to exercise a demon from her life. “I guess I don’t have a new place in your life now that you have your identity back.” She sighed bitterly. “I thought we had worked through this with that last case. I thought we were past all this.”

He was silent, watching her distantly and she stared at him, willing him wordless to say something. Anything. But Mulder just sat there, watching her, remaining quiet. She shook her head.

“I will not be surprised if you don’t come to bed tonight.”

… .

The bed was cold as I shuffled into it. Even wearing the flannel pajama pants and old Georgetown sweatshirt, I was freezing. I tried to switch to the heating unit but to no avail. Now it made sense why Mulder had the space heater in his office. Did he not care to even place a service call to a repairman? I chose to throw extra blankets on but I was still cold.

Maybe we were done? After tonight, we were done. I was sure of it.I had called him a monster and I overstepped the line. I put the final nails in the coffin of our relationship. I closed my eyes as the tears came again, hot and burning. Good. I deserved the pain. The only I wanted to save, I couldn’t. I couldn’t save him.

Who was I crying for? Our destroyed relationship? The loss of our hopes and dreams (or had they been just mine?) Or because as many lifelines I had thrown out, all the miles I had swimmed for him, maybe I just couldn’t save him. Maybe it was my fault.

The cold was welcoming and I deserved it. I deserved it because I failed. My mind was made up. I would go to my mother’s in the morning, spend some time there. He’d be happier without me and he could do whatever he wanted.  I was just holding him back. I always held him back. I felt the same insecurities I felt with Fowley. He was meant to be someone else. He was meant for a different life. He just wasn’t meant for me.

I can hear the shower from downstairs. The water rushing through the old pipes could be heard throughout the house. I did my best to ignore it. I heard the stairs shift with weight on them. What was he doing? Then, I heard the door open quietly and I closed my eyes, trying to pretend to be asleep.

I can hear him shuffling around our room. I hear a space heater turning on. Drawers were opened and closed. Then I feel the covers pull back and the weight of the mattress shift as he slides into bed next me.

… .

I can tell you are not asleep. I know your breathing pattern. After fifteen years, Scully you can’t fool me. I had never seen you so…emotional though in the fifteen years I have known you. In the fifteen years I have and still am very much in love with you. Even though I am a monster. A selfish ass of a monster. You are right on that one. But I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to hurt because of me. You’ve suffered enough because of me.

The room is freezing by the time I come in. Why would she subject yourself to this? By the time I slip beneath the covers behind you, you’re already shielding yourself from me. I don’t blame you. I can never blame you. But please don’t run from me. Give me one more chance.

… .

She jumps at his warm hands snaking under her shirt and around her pulling her hips against his. He tangled their legs together and he kissed the back of her neck reverently before trailing a smattering of small kisses to behind her ear. “I’m sorry, Scully. I’m so sorry.”

She lets a sob go that she had disguised as holding her breath. Mulder closed his eyes, securing himself around her as if swallowing her so she could not run away. She hugged him closer too in a weak attempt to push away the emotions threatening to drown her. “You’re right,” she murmured, “I failed you. I failed you.”

“What are you talking about?”

The familiar warmth and weight of him around her brought Scully no comfort. “You could’ve have been so much more without me,” she whispered. “I should have never…all those years ago. You could have been so much more without me. You would be so much happier. I should have never come to you that night.”

“What night?” Then he remembered. Right after New Year’s back in 2000. When everything had changed. “Aw, Scully, stop talking like that.”

“No. Because it’s true. You’re not the monster. I am. I was a fool to think the things I did.” She quieted, wiping the tears away. “I’ll go in the morning, okay? I’ll stay with my mom and you can figure out your life.”

His heart raced with alarm and he panicked. Is this what she truly thought? That this was her fault? Did he push that on her? “Scully. Don’t. You’re talking nonsense. Stop talking like that.”

“What, the truth?” Scully spat bitterly over her tears. She was trying to free herself from him. “Let me go, Mulder.”

“No. Not until you start talking sense.”

Using his size to his advantage, Mulder rolled her beneath him and used his weight to pin her down. “Mulder, let me go!”

In the dim light from the windows and a lamp they left on out in the hallway, he saw the tears that had streamed down her cheeks. He could imagine how red her eyes were from crying. “Why? Why are you running away?”

“I can’t. I failed. I can’t do this anymore.”

“You didn’t fail.”

“I can’t save you. I can’t save us. You made it quite clear tonight that this is all my doing.” She stopped fighting. She just lay there, as if accepting a punishment. “I failed.”

He let her go but still loomed over her. Desperate to make her feel what he believed, he bent forward and kissed her. Mulder’s tongue delved into her mouth so she could taste his love for her. His right arm snaked around while he used his left arm to hold them up so she could feel how well she fitted with him. Surprised by this change in action, she let him mold her to him and felt the familiar pressure southwards. He pressed his forehead against hers, breathing heavily.

“Let me show you how much you belong to me.”

The actions were hurried and clumsy. But the familiar touch warmed the coldness from their hearts. Her cry pierced the night over the churning space heater, creating a blossoming warmth between them as he entered and lingered. She hugged him, never letting him go as he finally withdrew.

“We belong to each other,” he murmured. “You saved me. You have never failed me.”

Scully pressed her ear against his chest, listening to his heart. “What can I do?”

“What can I do,” he corrected. “Maybe we can look in the paper together at the classifieds. Maybe you and inquire at the hospital on my behalf so I can figure out how to get licensed as a therapist. Maybe I can build you a hot tube.”

She kissed his neck and whispered, “That’s all I want to hear, Mulder.”

“What?”

“Maybe. I just want you to try, that’s all.”

“That’s all?”

She nodded. “I just want you to be happy.”

Mulder let the weight of her words settle on his shoulders and he held her tightly. “Well, it’s a good thing I have such a beautiful guardian angel to remind me when I get foolhardy.” He felt her smile against his chest. “Don’t give up on us, Scully. Don’t ever give up on us, please.”

“You taught me to believe,” she answered simply. “I won’t stop.”

“Promise me, Scully,” he begged.

“I promise.”


End file.
